i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Randomize
