I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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