She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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