So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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