so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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