theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
