Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
All I want is dick and wine.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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