Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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