What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
