I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
