Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
