I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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