worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
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