Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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