i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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