Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
