Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
