Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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