Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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