So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
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