My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
