Your dad touched me again.
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
a search helicopter?!
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
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