my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
