when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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