ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Randomize
