i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
