i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
My cat gives me a boner
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Randomize
