did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
