So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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