i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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