I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
