My liver just broke up with me...
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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