I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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