i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
