i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Just cropdusted the office
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
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