i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
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