Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
