I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
