i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Randomize
