Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Randomize
