She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
