My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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