i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
No more Irish car bombs ever.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
