You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
