I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
