The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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