Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
