I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
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