if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I'm not ready for the Pike bikes to move back in to town it was wonderful seeing that sorority house empty all summer
... I'm KD
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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