He uses pillows to masturbate.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
