I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize