Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
