sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Randomize