I don't usually arrange sex via text message
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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