I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
