I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
