Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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