I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Randomize
