It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
