STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
