Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
