The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Randomize
