I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
