Non-Jews are for practice
and she was petting her beer can
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
