I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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